Over?

Kee and I still haven't been able to talk in person. The most I get out of her is a Yes, No, or No thank you. So I've stoped trying to ingage in conversation. On AIM randomly we talked for hours. She must've been in a good mood. It sure made my day. But of course, I over react to things all the time. The next day I tried IMing her and she didn't reply. Bad sign. So it seems to be an off and on thing. If that's the way it's going to be for the rest of the year, and possible throughout high school, I'll have to find someone else. As I look back on my other friends, we can never be as close as I am/was with Kee. Janell, though she makes me laugh, I can't stand her moodswings. One minute joking, the next calling me names. Sigourney, maybe. She's really nice and all, but I don't feel as if I could ever really connect with her. Luna, no. Definetly no. I do love her and all, but if I want someone to talk to she would either change the topic or not understand at all. Nemo, no. I have a feeling that she doesn't approve of me very much. Maybe it's because I wear "too much black." I could never open up to her about anything. That feeling of dread that I feel around Sigourney is the same way I feel about her. Not the horrible type of dread. More like, I have nothing in common with you and I'm dead scared and I don't know what to do next. Haley, once my best friend through grade school. Hell no. She doesn't listen to me and I can't stand her babbling. And when I tell my jokes, which aren't that funny, she takes five minutes to stop laughing. A personal pet peeve of mine. Lastly we come to freshman Katie. No way in hell. I really can't stand her, though I put up with her crap on the bus everyday. She perfectly fits the stereotype of the annoying Japanophile. A wash of dread, the bad kind, comes over me everytime I hear her "Tori-chan Tori-chan!" ....Wow, I'm a conceited bitch. These are good people, though they bug me. I can continue to joke with them, cept for Katie, and try to have a good time, but I want someone who I can spill my guts to and not feel like a fool. Like what me and Kee used to have. At this moment in time, I feel that no one is right for the job. Should I continue on alone? Get some form of confidence boost? Alone sounds good right now. Besides, I need my own time to come up with the script for my future short movie.

Misery

Well, I finally found out what was going on last night. After I got back from Ortega's party, I signed on AIM and she was there. I had been contemplating allof the night before on what I would do to try and fix everything and what I would say. So I spilled my heart out. I asked if she was mad, that I'm tired of getting the cold shoulder, tired of her treating me differently then everyone else, and so on. I waited FOUR fucking hours for her to reply. During that time I'm crying like crazy. I'm thinking maybe she really doesn't care at all and that she truly hates me. Later around 9 o'clock she finally IMs me saying that she had been doing other things and hadn't bothere to check Meebo. Bullshit. So then we go into this long discussion about everything. Aparently her treating me like I'm nothng helps her cope with her angst. What? Say that again? She can act fine around others who don't hang around her as much [such as Miranda] but with me? She says hanging with others [or anyone else besides me] helps her disperse her energy. By this point I'm bawling since now I know she aware of what she's doing to me and she doesn't care. It hurts like hell and I feel like a fool. This person who I've been exceedingly loyal too, who's feelings I always put before mine, doesn't give a shit about what happens to me. You wanna know what the pathetic thing is? I still want to be friends with her. God I'm pathetic. A part of me wants to murder her, while the more stronger convincing [not always healthy] part wants to remain friends with her and put up with the treatment. Whatever it takes to make her happy. Why do I care so much about her? No, I'm not harboring and lesbian feelings towards her. I really look up to her. The old her atleast. I guess I still believe it'll come back. But I need to realize that that part of her died of when Nny left. Fuck, I hate him for that. I hate her for being so stupid and apathetic.

Once again I feel like crying, but I can't since I'm in public. Atleast I don't have to work afterschool. I just want to sit in my room with a cup of miso and wait for cousin to sign on. I really need his advice. Not mom's or dad's. He's a bit more like me then they are. he would know how to help me. Fuck, mom's going to want me to talk about it when i get home. She caught me talking to her and saw me crying. She was nice enough not to bring it up this morning, but once I get home she'll call me to her room and want me to talk. If I say not now she'll keep asking and asking later. Staind is helping me fight the tears. Odd, it's a bit emo. She hasn't spoken to me nor looked at me today.The only way for us to stay friends is for us to never speak again. Why would I rather bee happy with that instead of getting a new friend? Am I really so scared of change? I do have other friend who treat me great and I do love them, but they can't take Keely's place. None of them can. I cant trust them as much as I trust her. Oh god, if I'm this distraught and pathetic over a friend, just wait till my first breakup. But the chances of me dating anyon are zip, so this shoud be the most drama I'll ever have. Maybe that's why it hurt so much. Tomoe and Jamaican Woman, I think I'll call her Godmama since she acts like one, are trying to give me words of comfort. We had a long discussion last night, planning what I'd to today, but I couldn't concentrate on what they were saying. Too busy crying and thinking how stupid I am. This is the most emo I've ever been. There's no need to worry about me killing myself since I hate pain and I don't have enough courage to do it. I feel like running away somewhere, but that's stupid. I've got nowhere to go. That stupid Evanescence song, "Missing," is playing in my head. I'm not that big of a fan of her music, but I can relate to the lyrics. Heh, my emotional blogs are just random rants.

I guess afterschool I can go walk down to Heather's park. Just sit there in the cold for a while. Cry a bit, eat a cookie. That sounds good. It might be raining though. Ehn, I'll but up with it. 2 minutes till Biology. I don't really want to talk to Ortega and Kate, but maybe it'll help get my mind off things.

Walk Upon Eggshells

Well, I found out yesterday after school, she thought I was mad at her. Not true. I never get "mad" at her, only irritated. She's the only person who I'm completely devoted to. Not in a lovey relationship way. I tried talking to her before I left for my bus, but she shouted "I can't deal with anyone right now!" I'm assuming Cindy had pissed her off since she recieved a phone call from her and had to rush to her car. So I shrugged it off hoping I'd be able to talk to her on AIM later. So that night I waited, and waited, till she finally got on. So I explained the situation. I never got a reply. 30 minutes later I asked her if she was mad at me. Still no reply. I waited another 30 minutes and stll no answer. Now I'm beginning to think A) She's reeeaaallly mad at be, B) She had to go somewhere, and C) Maybe she was really distraught and didn't want to speak to anyone. I ended up believing in A, which made me upset. To make matters worse, dad said we were eating out with my little cousins (who really annoy me, I love them deep down though). So I kinda threw a hissy fit. He wanted me to talk about my issue in the car, but I didn't. I've never been good a having those kind of conversations with him. I know he'd probably give better advice than my mom, but I always get uncomfortable around him, for no apparent reason. Now I feel guilty.

Moving on, this morning I asked to talk to her. I had a very long conversation with Tomoe (my id) and that Jamaican Woman (my super ego) and we all agreed on explaining the situation to her in person would be he best thing to do. When I found her, she said she couldn't handle this man people at once (Josh and Asian were talking to her). Now I sit in my 3rd period class contemplating whether she'll listen to me or not. She still has that irritated tone with me. Can't type since I need to put laptop away. Cross fingers that everything wil go all right.

O Tragedy

I haven't been writing down any dreams since they've been very random and extremely pointless. The boy has not been in them. Other than that, my social life hasn't been doing so well. Neither has my mental state. I had a mini counseling session with my cousin and I didn't like his advice. Mainly because, it's something I don't want to do and something I do have to do. The issue is between me and my very best friend. This week has been full of tension between us. Or maybe it's not tension and I'm coming up with the wrong conclusions again. Over the three day weeked we were talking fine on AIM. Monday she didn't seem very talkative o I left her alone. The next day at school, we didn't speak. I didn't even hang out with her during lunch. Why did I do that? Was it because I sensed that she was depressed so I left her alone? Maybe. The next day was relatively the same. Cept, I did hang with her during lunch. I almost regret doing so. Again we didn't talk. Even with Laura around, we didn't speak at all. Later this other girl, who is friends with best friend, came. She sat down and imediatly my best friend starts joking around with her. I tried to get into the conversation as well, but all I got was an irratated (sounding) response. So I kept quiet.

After school I had the counseling session through AIM. His advice was to try to find a new friend incase this current one falls apart. Only issue is, I want to stay friend with her. And I'm horrible at making friends. Mostly due to my horrible conversational skills. In fact, I've become afraid of conversing with people [in person] on my own. I'm on my way to becoming a hikikomori. So I'm crying since I know it's something I need to do.

Even today. Right now. She's siting away from me. Is she mad? Is she just depressed? I don't know. Haven't spoken to her since Sunday. Why not? What am I doing? I believe I'm trying to give her, her space. She's told me before that she pefers to be alone [because of this whole boyfriend bullshit]. So I leave her alone. Is it doing the opposite effect? Does she think I'm abandoning her or if I'm mad at her?

Class is over and I'm currently at the school library contemplating over things. I feel like crying, but I'd rather not attract attention to myself. According to what she had written in her thoughtslip, atleast I think it was hers, she's not gong to be seeing her boyfriend this weekend. Maybe she's just depressed about that and me giving her space is the right thing to do. If that is the reason and she's not really mad at me, I can relax. My only other problem is I'm rather lonely. It's stated above that my conversational skills are wack so meeting someone new is out of the question. My other friends aren't here today. Guess the library will have to become my new hang place.

Dreamcatcher

Even though I got barely any sleep last night, I did have a dream. A very small and seemingly insignificant one. I think it was my birthday because a lot of my friends were there. Even ones from my preschool. The dream didn't show much of the party. What I can remember is that they all left early when my best friend arrived. I was yelling at her [playfully] that she had missed everything. Just like in reality, she acted as if she didn't care. I guess she didn't get to visit her boyfriend in my dream. She was annoyingly apathetic [just like she's been IRL]. I think at the end I kicked her out of my house because of her attitude.

Biology

I'm in class, with a laptop, and nothing to do. Why not make another blog? The snow is starting to melt. Very sad, since we probably wont get anymore till next year. Only rain. Oh the toils of living in Seattle. Since class was delayed 1-1/2, periods are now 75 minutes long as opposed to the normal 90 minute periods. We even got TAP today. Then tomorrow we have an assembly schedule, which means even SHORTER periods. And to top it off, a three day weeked. Nice way to end the month, I say. Keely decided to show today in somewhat lighter spirits. Must be that coat she's wearing [she usually never bundles up]. I told her the whole story about that night, and regretting it. She didn't think to highly of either of us the last time it happened. She might be more disappointed in me than him, since I was awake this time. I really don't have much to say.

Deprived

No dreams at all. Either I wake up and can't remember, or I just don't sleep. To top it off, I believe I'm gettig sick AND there's school today. Atleast there's a 1-1/2 hour delay.