Misery

Well, I finally found out what was going on last night. After I got back from Ortega's party, I signed on AIM and she was there. I had been contemplating allof the night before on what I would do to try and fix everything and what I would say. So I spilled my heart out. I asked if she was mad, that I'm tired of getting the cold shoulder, tired of her treating me differently then everyone else, and so on. I waited FOUR fucking hours for her to reply. During that time I'm crying like crazy. I'm thinking maybe she really doesn't care at all and that she truly hates me. Later around 9 o'clock she finally IMs me saying that she had been doing other things and hadn't bothere to check Meebo. Bullshit. So then we go into this long discussion about everything. Aparently her treating me like I'm nothng helps her cope with her angst. What? Say that again? She can act fine around others who don't hang around her as much [such as Miranda] but with me? She says hanging with others [or anyone else besides me] helps her disperse her energy. By this point I'm bawling since now I know she aware of what she's doing to me and she doesn't care. It hurts like hell and I feel like a fool. This person who I've been exceedingly loyal too, who's feelings I always put before mine, doesn't give a shit about what happens to me. You wanna know what the pathetic thing is? I still want to be friends with her. God I'm pathetic. A part of me wants to murder her, while the more stronger convincing [not always healthy] part wants to remain friends with her and put up with the treatment. Whatever it takes to make her happy. Why do I care so much about her? No, I'm not harboring and lesbian feelings towards her. I really look up to her. The old her atleast. I guess I still believe it'll come back. But I need to realize that that part of her died of when Nny left. Fuck, I hate him for that. I hate her for being so stupid and apathetic.

Once again I feel like crying, but I can't since I'm in public. Atleast I don't have to work afterschool. I just want to sit in my room with a cup of miso and wait for cousin to sign on. I really need his advice. Not mom's or dad's. He's a bit more like me then they are. he would know how to help me. Fuck, mom's going to want me to talk about it when i get home. She caught me talking to her and saw me crying. She was nice enough not to bring it up this morning, but once I get home she'll call me to her room and want me to talk. If I say not now she'll keep asking and asking later. Staind is helping me fight the tears. Odd, it's a bit emo. She hasn't spoken to me nor looked at me today.The only way for us to stay friends is for us to never speak again. Why would I rather bee happy with that instead of getting a new friend? Am I really so scared of change? I do have other friend who treat me great and I do love them, but they can't take Keely's place. None of them can. I cant trust them as much as I trust her. Oh god, if I'm this distraught and pathetic over a friend, just wait till my first breakup. But the chances of me dating anyon are zip, so this shoud be the most drama I'll ever have. Maybe that's why it hurt so much. Tomoe and Jamaican Woman, I think I'll call her Godmama since she acts like one, are trying to give me words of comfort. We had a long discussion last night, planning what I'd to today, but I couldn't concentrate on what they were saying. Too busy crying and thinking how stupid I am. This is the most emo I've ever been. There's no need to worry about me killing myself since I hate pain and I don't have enough courage to do it. I feel like running away somewhere, but that's stupid. I've got nowhere to go. That stupid Evanescence song, "Missing," is playing in my head. I'm not that big of a fan of her music, but I can relate to the lyrics. Heh, my emotional blogs are just random rants.

I guess afterschool I can go walk down to Heather's park. Just sit there in the cold for a while. Cry a bit, eat a cookie. That sounds good. It might be raining though. Ehn, I'll but up with it. 2 minutes till Biology. I don't really want to talk to Ortega and Kate, but maybe it'll help get my mind off things.